Money. Health. Housing. Psychology. Work. Kids. Contracts. Husbands. Driving. Siblings. Laundry. Cleaning. Shopping. Scheduling. What’s a girl to do? If you’ve got a question about any aspect of elder care…ask our experts. Submit your questions below, and we’ll give them our best shot. If we can’t answer a question, we’ll bet our other readers can!

"My husband wants us to have his mother (who is in the early stages of dementia)  come live with us since we have more extra room in our home than his siblings – two sisters and a brother. I have a full time job (as does my husband whose job demands frequent out-of-town travel) and two teenage children to care for. I know that my husband both expects and believes that I will be the one to take charge of his mother’s needs.  Although I am fond of my mother-in-law, I really don’t want to be the one to take on the responsibility for her care. How can I make my position clear and not be trapped by guilt into becoming the caregiver?"

Take a deep breath. This is a big decision and will take a while to work through. Don’t rush things. You need to schedule a calm, serious talk with your husband -- perhaps a series of thoughtful discussions -- about the effect elder care would have on your daily life and family.  As you carefully examine the impact of elder care, and the progressive nature of his mother’s disease, on all aspects of life for every family member, it should become obvious whether caring for your mother-in-law in your home is tenable or not.

Be sure to schedule talks at non-stressful times in both of your lives, and explore other possible options for his parent such as senior housing, a live-in caregiver, shared housing, day care, or another sibling stepping up to take care of this issue.

Bottom line:  if you don’t want to provide elder care, just say “no” as often, as loudly and as emphatically as needed to get the message across.

After you and your husband have come to agreement on a plan for care,  your husband will need to share the decision and the alternatives considered with his siblings.  The burden of negotiating with his siblings is his and his alone.

"Every time I go to visit my mom in the assisted living facility, or bring her to my home for a day or two, or take her to medical appointments, she almost constantly berates me for any help I try to give her (making meals, bringing her sundry items, helping her get out of the car to use her walker and just about everything else).  I know that she is distressed about needing my help, but I find the barrage of nasty remarks to be extremely distressing (to say the least). When I go home from one of the visits teary, upset, depressed and anxious, I stagger around alternating between tears, guilt, anger, depression and worry after these debilitating (and annoying) times with Mom.  Is there anything I can do to handle the situation and my personal issues better?"

No one talks about this side of aging. It’s frustrating as heck to realize that every day you become a little less robust physically and mentally. It’s especially tough for a parent to feel like they’re being treated like a kid by their kid. Getting outside help is one key to handling the emotional toll of caregiving for a difficult parent. Every caregiver knows, providing care takes a toll on you and can affect your life negatively.

Although there is expense involved, the best thing to do is see a counselor experienced in issues like yours:  a psychiatrist, a therapist, a doctor.  Your own doctor could recommend a good choice for someone who can help you work through the problem and make things work better for you.  In doing research for Laurel Kennedy’s “The Daughter Trap” book (which covers this issue in a chapter entitled “It’s Okay to Feel Bad,”) many of the hundreds of women in situations similar to yours found getting outside counseling made a huge difference in improving their life as caregivers.

Another solution is to find and join a support network, people who can support and help you with your caregiving responsibilities so that you have time for breaks in dealing with the difficult situation.  To get further information on the need and way for support, check out the following websites:

www.ama-assn.org
www.assets.aarp.org
www.caregiving.org

"My dad who lives on his own (my mother died a few years ago) was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease a few years ago.  Now the tremors in his hands have become worse and the biggest impact is his problems with driving (utilizing steering wheel properly in proper time frame).  Recently he banged his car three times getting into his parking space and even hit a street lamp turning into the garage, totally destroying it.  My sister and I are very concerned about his continuing to drive, as our experience in the car with him shows he is not capable of safe driving any more.  We have tried to discuss the idea of his stopping driving and my dad has determinedly refused to give up driving his car.  We are worried not only for his safety, but for others on the road and the sidewalks near where he is driving.  What can we do to force him to stop driving since we cannot get him to agree? (By the way, we have gotten calls from his neighbors in which they warn us of the danger of my dad being on the road and note their fear of same.)"

The best way to handle this difficult issue is for you to discuss the situation with your dad’s doctor, preferably the one involved in the diagnosis and treatment of your father’s Parkinson’s disease.  If the doctor agrees with your thought that it is time for Dad for forgo driving because of safety issues and tells your dad (preferably during an appointment when your are there) that he no longer can drive, this gives you “permission” to take the keys away from him and the problem is solved.

In a number of states in the U.S. doctors have the right to legally notify the Department of Motor Vehicles in writing that a patient’s driving privileges should be revoked for safety issues.  You can check with your state’s policy on this matter and ask the doctor to submit the confidential information to the proper authorities.

You might want to check the following web sites for further advice and information on ways to deal with the issue of dealing lovingly and decisively with your dad on the issue:

www.ec-online.net
www.agingparents.com

"I live and work in Southern California and my sister lives with her family in Denver.  Our 85-year-old mother continues to live alone on the farm we grew up on in Iowa.  My sister and I have tried to convince Mom to move with my sister or in a place of her own in the Denver area so she can be cared for and checked in on routinely by my sister, who is very nervous and concerned about Mom being on her own miles from neighbors.  Mom of course wants to stay in the family home and refuses politely but firmly all of our attempts to have her move. Is there anything I can do to help my sister’s (and my) anxiety about Mom’s safety?"

There is good news – the technology industry nationwide has jumped onto the remote caregiving issue, and offers a variety of long distance monitoring and communication devices that connect aging parents’ homes with their long distance children. The systems utilize sensors in key areas to track movements and daily routines. For example, you could log onto the secure web site to see if your Mom got up at her normal time, prepared breakfast and took her medication. They’re a fabulous and unobtrusive way to check in frequently, but not inexpensive by any means.

Check out the website:www.grandcare.com/buzz to find out about a wide variety of electronic monitoring system that might solve your problem.  You especially might want to check out the article on the website from the November 29, 2007 edition of the Wall Street Journal (it is on the grandcare.com site) headlined “Frail Seniors Embrace Home Monitoring.”  The story gives information about a number of companies that offer ways to monitor distant parents.